Stick with me, kid

Is there a right way and a wrong way to do everything? Certainly, there are many wrong ways to do many things, as we all see everyday. Over the years, I discussed how to do several things: brushing off your car in the winter (do the hood and roof, too); opening doors (look for the hinges, if you see them – pull); using an elevator (off before on). I could fill volumes telling the morons around Western New York how to drive in snow (why can no one remember these skills from one snowfall to the next?). Once in a management training exercise, we had to explain how to make a peanut butter sandwich, which is less about etiquette and more about hilarious.

People may have heard my diatribe on men’s room etiquette, but since I doubt anyone else involved in the BufBloPoFo will cover it, I’ll repeat. Ladies, take a walk – it’s man time.

Upon arriving at a wall of empty urinals, it is generally accepted to take the furthest urinal to the right. An exception exists for a bathroom laid out in such a manner as to make the right-most urinal also the closest one to the door. In such an instance, choose the urinal furthest to the left. If any of the urinals are occupied upon arrival, choose a urinal at least one spot away from the occupant. It is imperative that this rule be observed. If an appropriate urinal is available, you must not crowd anyone there before you. Understand, it is not necessary to retreat to a stall if there is an available urinal, but given the choice, leave room for the Holy Ghost. You are expected to look either a) straight ahead, into the tiles of the wall (if you are provided a newspaper, consider yourself lucky) or b) up, to the ceiling. I don’t care if you are looking down at your own junk, to the peripheral visionary, it’s questionable. If you can’t whip out your tool and honk a whiz without looking, stay home and practice. Most home bathroom sinks are low enough that you can piss in them, and they usually have a mirror, so you can practice pulling your dick out while looking straight ahead. Discussion is discouraged (even if you know the person you’re next to – think of the awkwardness that the other patrons would have to endure if you are chatty in the lew). If you feel you have to talk, limit your conversation to this comment: “This water is cold”. The obvious implication is that your penis is so large, that it falls into the water of the toilet, and is sensitive enough to recognize the difference in temperature. You may make this comment to anyone who is also at the urinal. If you find yourself receiving such an advance, there is one acceptable and necessary response: “And deep.” The implication is that your penis is also large enough to reach the water, and so large in fact that it would only be contained in the toilet if the water was deep. This is the limit of acceptable urinal discussion. Once the flow of pee pee has stopped (but not before!), shake, squeeze or otherwise remove any excess drippage from the tip. Disregard anything you may have heard about “if you shake it more than twice you’re playing with it”. First of all, play with it all you want. That’s what it’s there for. Secondly, putting your cock away with piss still dripping out is not comfortable. Make sure you’re ready for the re-panting. Third, if you don’t gain an erection, what’s the harm? Shake it as much as you feel is necessary, put it away. FLUSH. You must always flush a public toilet. I don’t care if you subscribe to the “if it’s yellow, let it mellow” school of thought in the privacy of your own privy, but in public, send it down. Then wash your hands. Once again, I don’t give a fuck how many different strains of wiener fungus you allow to chill out on your mitts when you’re at home, wash your goddamn hands after you piss in public. People are watching. Without going into a lot of detail with stall etiquette, before you go for a door, look for feet. It is uncomfortable enough in there without somebody rattling the door. As a general rule, if you’re in the stall and you hear somebody come in, wait for them to leave before you exit the stall. We all know you were crapping, and it probably stinks. We don’t need a face-to-face, or any future meetings will be made very awkward. If at all possible, wait it out. Then wash your hands.

If you have any questions, feel free to contact me directly.